Robinson is in such fractious dispute with Australia Post I run and hide every time one of their little white vans turns into our Road. Which is often.

Sometimes I leave my half-eaten profiteroles abandoned on the bench seat out the front.

I’m nervous that the driver is going to stab me just for living at this address.

It’s all about wine, of course. There are two boxes from Fermoy Estate with our address on them that were last seen in mid-September in a depot in Busselton on the South West tip of Western Australia. They might still be there, in the sun. No-one seems to know.

At some point Robinson started asking AP when the wine would arrive. They never replied. The tracking device was stuck in Busselton. So she asked again. Etc into furious infinity.

It seems every time she wrote, they created a new query number and a new investigation was launched without telling anyone. Not each other, not us. Pretty soon (well, weeks later) half of Australia Post were all working on this one unresolved query from Robinson.

When they discovered this, Robinson got a terse reply from someone explaining that they were cancelling all these enquiries and were looking into it. Once. Please don’t ask again.

Then Robinson started getting follow-up emails asking her how likely she would be to recommend AP to others. Things that make you go grrrr. She gets one of these every day but no emails about where her wine is. I have to take the iPad out of her trembling hands before she rattles off another query.

‘They’re already looking into it!’ I say calmly.

‘Are they?’ she shrieks. It’s a fair, shouty question. We have no idea.

Busselton is a long way away and Western Australia is currently harder to do business with than China. We should have ordered wine from the Hunter Valley instead. Or gone to the bottle shop.

On top of that, truck drivers have been on strike for better pay and conditions. I always support the workers in these disputes so good on them. ‘Workers united, etc…’

There’s a backlog. Trapped indoors from coast to coast people have been frantically buying whatever shit their facebook feed scrolls at them. You can see the internet driving around the suburbs in little white vans.

And Corrupto sacked Christine Holgate. There’s probably a dud blue suit now running things.

In other words there are plenty of reasons why Robinson’s wine might be missing, but I’m playing it safe and not answering the doorbell.

2 thoughts on “DON’T CALL US WE’LL CALL YOU

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