I probably shouldn’t have been wearing my WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? T-shirt.

We were at the Broadway shopping centre to do what Robinson calls one of our ‘big shops’ where we buy heavy things like rice and cooking oil and bottled water. We went in the car, instead of walking. Always, always walking.

As we passed Specsavers I hustled her inside on the spur of the moment. For months now she’s been holding her old glasses just off her nose like some sort of performance artist. The frame rubs. For some reason she won’t let me bend (ie, break) it into shape.

Once inside, she looked at racks of frames and within a minute had chosen two. Astonishing. There was a special offer on. They could test her eyes there and then.

‘You can’t do it now,’ I said. ‘You’re just meant to be looking.’

‘I’ve looked. You can go shopping.’

‘Can I?’

‘Probably not, but give it a try.’ She thrust the shopping bags at me. Neither of us had our phones. Who takes their phones shopping? You’d have to be mad. In fact you’d have to be mad to take them anywhere.

‘How will we know when to meet up?’ I asked.

‘Just come back here.’ It sounded simple, but… Well, but.

‘You haven’t got your credit card,’ I pleaded. Who takes their credit card shopping? Not Robinson.

‘Give me one of your cards in case I need to pay a deposit or something,’ she said.

This was all wham-bam but my fault because I started it. So off I went shopping. I got many things we needed but it had been so long since we’d been to Coles I couldn’t find spices or butter, and just plain forgot other things.

But none of that mattered because I found tofu kitty litter for half-price! I’d done some research on litter options and tofu often came out on top. No dust, or traipsing through the house, it is clumping, bio-degradable, flushable. And depending how the rest of the shopping went we could eat it if we had to. (Note: don’t try this at home.)

I also found underpants at half-price. It was the best day ever.

I went back to the car via Specsavers and Robinson must have still been under testing. We’d agreed beforehand to also go to the Reject shop and so I headed up there. I was now on a different floor. The shopping here went VERY well! I got scuff pads for the dining chairs, a door mat, a cat scratching thingo (in a doomed hope she might use that instead of our new couches), some cloths to clean my new car. I even bought things I wasn’t looking for, and probably didn’t need. I was almost enjoying myself.

I checked again for Robinson on the way back to the car. She must still be in there reading the second bottom line. I went and had a coffee. Then I checked the optometrist again, only to be told she’d gone looking for me ten minutes ago because she needed my PIN number.

I started to wonder whose fault all this was going to be.

I went back to the car. Not there. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t know where we parked the car because she didn’t have her performance glasses on. And our new car is silver, like every other car. Sometimes not even I can find it.

And so it went on for fifteen minutes. She was in the Reject shop while I was in the carpark. She was in the carpark while I was at Specsavers. Eventually she was on the up-escalator and I was on the down-escalator and we spotted each other like the last scene of a rom-com, except they’re usually at an airport.

We met up and kissed (actually we argued) then went and paid for her glasses. Then we went shopping for the things I couldn’t find, or forgot.

After a bit of nagging and bagging each other, we lived happily ever after.

Can you read the bottom line?

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